Differentiate between anger and rage for healthier relationships
How often do you experience anger? And what about rage? Do you know the difference? I have discovered that there is a world of difference and that understanding this has helped me reclaim my healthy anger and therefore some of my life energy. Surprisingly, it has helped me be more tolerant rather than less and less judgmental rather than more.
Sue Parker-Hall - author of Anger, Rage and Relationship, an empathic approach to anger management shares that rage is not a more intense version of anger, it is a different emotion completely. On top of that, anger and rage need different responses. Here are some highlights of the differences and why Nonviolent Communication is a wonderful skill for embracing these emotions within ourself.
Rage
Is a different emotion to anger
It can arise from birth and originates from empathic failure (a lack of emotional support)
There are two types: hot rage and cold rage
It is a natural defence mechanism - a distress response and it inhibits our frontal cortex, where rational thinking happens
There is no universally agreed definition - dictionaries do not help our understanding!
“Is the best response a person can muster under distressing circumstances”*
In order to survive this distressing experience, we disconnect from bodily sensations, a vital source of intelligence about our needs
This separation from self puts us at risk because it seriously limits our capacity to care for our self
It also puts others, society or the planet at risk because we can no longer extend empathy to them either
The Two Types of Rage
Hot Rage - causes one to be critical, blaming and potentially violent to others or self
Cold Rage - causes one (in a couple relationship) to be unreachable, lacking in empathy and self-sufficient
NVC and how it can help
Empathy, respect and congruence (rather than seeking to educate) create the best environment for processing our feelings
Acknowledging and naming emotions helps calm the amygdala and helps us to self-regulate
Learning NVC helps us to to process life experiences, have a kinder relationship to self and helps us reconnect to healthy anger
Anger
Relates to the ‘here and now’
It is an emotion with medium arousal
We begin to experience anger around 18 months old and helps us with individuation
It is an important aspect of grief
It is a fierce guardian of boundaries
The outcome of being able to protect boundaries is higher self esteem
Contrary to popular opinion, anger is vital for healthy relationships
Where there is absence of anger in distressing circumstances there will likely be presence of rage (hot or cold)
Benefits of anger
Raises our energy levels
An antidote to depression
Supports differentiation/individuation in relationships
Increases and supports intimacy
Increases our capacity for joy and other emotions
Increases safety and self-esteem through boundary-setting
How anger gets distorted
By not being allowed when we are young
When we don’t receive the empathy we need
How NVC helps
By taking ownership of our healthy anger we move out of blaming and towards protection, connection and all needs mattering including our own.
Connecting our anger to our needs helps us to say ‘no’ with care and take steps to meet needs rather than blaming.
Where other avenues don’t appear to exist, anger helps us to use the least amount of force for protection rather than punitive purposes
By connecting to and owning healthy anger it allows our life force to rise rather than be suppressed.
Summary
ANGER - Reclaim your anger to build stronger, healthier relationships with more potential for intimacy and authentic connection
RAGE - Have compassion and seek empathy for your rage
* Quote from Sue Parker Hall, in her book Anger rage and relationship